The Punany Monologues Part 4: Natalie Storm Talks Dutty

Words by Natalie Storm

It has been a minute and a half since we posted we published our last outburst from dancehall queen Natalie Storm. And since the monthly Dutty-Fridays format was disrupted anyway, we decided to just go ahead and post Part 4 today. Why you think they call Wednesday “Hump Day,” son???  Here it is in all it’s filthy glory, easily the duttiest Punanilogue (<–these things get shared and tweeted around so much that people have developed their own shorthand for it) yet! Without giving away what it’s about,  we’ve gone ahead and taken the liberty of, um, inserting General Echo’s “Bathroom Sex” and “Back Door Delivery” from Nats’ fellow Badda Badda Gal Timberlee to enhance your listening pleasure. Or displeasure. It’s your preference, really. (And if you’re under 18, you’re going to want to stop reading at the jump).

It’s a sad, sad day in the world. My baby patootie gave me an ultimatum: “It’s either me or your music and that damn punanilogue,” he said. It wasn’t hard to choose so here I am, once again sharing my vagina’s sorrows for all the world to see. (If you’re slow, I chose my punanilogue of course). The happiness of my vagina is the only thing that matters to me, and that ultimatum just made me realize how unhappy she was with li’l man there. Which (kind of) brings me to my latest installment:

To pee or not to pee?! That is the question!

If you had a guy/gal who was way more sexually advanced than you were, how do you find common ground? I think I’ll try most things once and probably enjoy them twice but certain things must go where they belong–in the TOILET. I’m really not shy when it comes to sex (Except if I have to do it with the lights on. Face it, most devious acts are better in the dark). But I’ve met some people who made me believe I was living in ancient Rome. There are so many fetishes out there, it’s really hard for a girl to keep up and it’s something new and equally revolting every time. Why can’t we all just stick to the cleaner kind?!

For the life of me (and I’m not knocking anyone’s cup of pee), I can’t understand why any man would want me to urinate or defecate on them, or to stick it in my butt if he’s not gay and then give me the excuse, “I just wanna see how much you really love me.” Ooh, my butt just cringed from the memory and my poor vagina is now depressed from long term neglect.

Well, to each his own…just stay away from mine, please and thanks! Sex is so wonderful, why would I wanna defile the experience by shitting and pissing on you?! OK, I must admit that maybe, just maybe if I was mad that he couldn’t get it up, I’d probably be tempted to pee on him but just knowing that he’d enjoy it, would take all the wicked pleasure out of it for me.

I have many wild, kinky fetishes lurking in some deep, dark, sadistic place in my mind (most of them are even legal in the parish of Kingston) but I absolutely refuse to shit or piss on anyone. Or let them stick it up my butt–and that is that! I also refuse to let you even use the term “spank the shit out of me”…If anyone’s getting the shit beaten out of them, it most certainly won’t be me! I know many of you may find this topic eeewwwy (and I do agree with you) but I just had to address it. I’m grossing you out for a good cause…trust me. Maybe dude will read this and feel so ashamed that he’ll change his shitty ways…haHA! (Don’t worry, I always laugh at my own jokes…I swear I’m not mad *fingers crossed*).

Side bar: just for the record, oral sex is no longer a fetish, OK. So if that’s as freaky as it gets with you then you’re a puritan who probably shouldn’t be reading this anyway *sticks tongue out*.

I know I’ve been rambling on and on about things better left to the waste management department of Jamaica, so I’ll just wrap it up. In my extremely limited experience (wink), I’ve somehow managed to meet all the crazies. Some I could entertain for a minute but some were too way out there even for me and, all I can say is, I walked away learning a lot about people and even more about myself…

Case in point:

To pee or not to pee?

Certainly! I like to pee…a lot actually. But I much prefer doing it while sitting on my throne with my Blackberry, writing a punanilogue…

Until next time…Pum pum power rocks!

-Natalie Storm