The Punany Monologues Part 5: Natalie Storm Talks About Sex

Words by Natalie Storm, photos by Martei Korley.

Many of you may be offended by this post so this is a disclaimer: the views expressed on this blog are not necessarily the views of the author. I’m speaking nothing but the truth according to my VAGINA (and you know she forced me to write this out of fear. It’s called fluffnaniphobia–the fear of other women with really fat pum-pum). When I was growing up I was extremely thin and my neighbors (hated their guts), even friends and family (really just a bunch of mean people I have to love…haha), used to style me as koo-koom-koom—meaning they heard my bones rubbing together at the joints when I walked. I used to hate it. I wanted nothing more than to be round and fluffy and I even used to pray that God would send me a fairy godmother to turn me into a meatier version of myself, or to at least bring some lubricant for my joints. I’m glad that God saw fit not to answer my prayers because I’d probably be calling myself Natalie “Fluffy to di world, anuh my fault, goodas gal” Storm right now and seeing how I’m already calling myself Natalie “anuh my fault, goodas gal to di world” Storm, I think the fluffy would make it a tad bit too much.

Sometimes when I walk down the street and see a maga (slender) man with a fatty boom boom, (larger woman), I often wonder if those slim men can manage all of Miss Boom Boom’s…um, boom-boom. But after seeing what I saw the other day, things are so much clearer now. I saw a fat woman naked and the cushion she was pushing is padding enough for 50 slimmas! (<–slender girl). Forget the size of the waist, whatever fluffy packing with the jiggle, she’s surely making up x amount of fat in the middle–pum-pum was so fat I almost suggested it was time to get it a gym subscription! I must say, I went home and had to take a good look at my modestly-padded vagina in the mirror and wondered what it would look like with a little more weight down there. I’m not saying I’m not packing on the pounds where it counts but man, I had me some pussy envy! Well my vagina did. (Please don’t ask me what I was doing looking at a naked woman. Shit happens, OK? I was caught in the wroooong place at the wrong time).

In almost every other culture–with the exception of mine–fat is frowned upon. Here in JA we call slightly overweight women fluffy. It doesn’t matter what size you are to me, if you’re sexy with it, amen to you. But can’t you all come up with a sexy name for heavy men already?! Fudge! Calling large women fluffy and then calling a large man so-so ‘bigga’ or ‘bigs’ just seems so sexist to me. The men have no sexy nicknames and are not tolerated unless they have money or a big fat…um…er…wallet. (Let’s face it, I’ve never seen an overweight man packing anything but a tummy). This must be a joke of the gods to make fluffy girls pum-pum fat and fat man buddy (penis) small…LOL! Whatever it is, it’s certainly hilarious.

Wait a minute, I was about to get to the point (*scratches head…shakes off of idle musings*). Oh yeah, back to it: What is this obsession with fat, specifically, fat pum-pum? Why does it matter what it looks like on the outside when the only thing that really counts is how it feels on the inside? So many men are caught up with and fooled by appearances. No wonder so many of them end up with the wrong babymother, girlfriend, wife, jacket, suit and tie, etc, etc. I mean, come on! If the vagina is fat it doesn’t really mean it’s gonna feel good. The only thing that means is, you’ll probably have more padding for your balls to bounce on. Who even cares about balls anyway?! As far as I’m concerned they’re irrelevant unless you’re sucking cock but that’s a whole other conversation. No man should be thinking of balls while experiencing waves upon waves of ecstatic, sinful pleasure, inside a warm, wet pum-pum!  Whatever the reason, fluffy or slim, I’m sure most vagina feel the same inside (well almost the same, give or take a few miles of elasticity here and there but you understand what I’m saying). There’s no fat on the inside only muscles and the only thing that should matter is how tight those babies are.

For the record, my vagina would like to admit that she could do with a pound or two more down there, specifically for showing off purposes but she would rather she felt good than looked extra fat. So, to my naked friend with the fluffy love seat underneath, I refuse to be consumed by fat-pussy envy because what really counts is how tight it is and I’m not lacking in that department…haha!

This is Natalie “fluffy where it counts pum pum to di world, goodas gal” Storm signing out! Until next time…pum pum power rocks!