Natalie Storm’s Punanilogues: The Real Gift That Keeps On Giving

Words by Natalie Storm, Photos by Martei Korley

Today my vagina wants to take a trip down memory lane and talk about the bittersweet taste of Bun!

In Jamaica, bun is not just a three letter word that rhymes with rum, and it’s certainly not just a sweet, popular part of Easter; it’s a lifestyle. In this overly zealous sexual community, bun has become a noun that stands for “fun at every opportunity without one’s significant other.” In simpler terms, it’s a synonym for cheating. I know this will surprise most of you, but bun is more common than an STD here. Blimey, bun invented STDs here! It’s the real gift that keeps on giving. Many of us have had bun on our birthdays, on Independence Day, on anniversaries, on New Year’s Eve, at Christmas, even at church (ya, holy bun). The only thing with Easter is that you get a lil’ cheese on it, in it, or to the side that makes it easier to swallow. You think we just sing those “Matey” songs for fun? Mmmhmm…Bun!

In my earlier relationships, I was a devout advocate of “giving bun,” as we like to say. I wasn’t always this good girl you know (hehehe). I used to be extremely experimental and sometimes my vagina led me to some dangerously crazy places. Yup, I was a wild, untamed child and “Bun” was my middle name. (Well, it’s actually one of those big oldie names like Gertrude but that’s another post for another time!) I’m not gonna say I’m a Goody Two-Shoes. To be quite frank, I’m only good in my nightmares (yeah, my nightmares are your dreams) but I will admit that I’m not good at lying and everyone knows that cheating and lying are a sinful pair, on a one-way way street to heaven or hell (depending on if u ever get caught or not). That takes me to my next point…

The absolute rule to cheating is making sure you never get caught. You can imagine my dilemma when the only way to ensure that, is to deny the man three times like Peter and say “it wasn’t me” like Shaggy! I’ve been caught in situations where I’ve had to lie and started laughing my ass off to how preposterous it sounded even to me. Trust me, if you’re gonna take up residence in the cheating zone, make sure you can pay your lying landlord so you stay on top of your game at all times. After a while, my conscience got the best of me and I just stopped telling my boyfriends lies and started telling them the truth (quite frankly, my vagina didn’t want to deny all the moments of rapturous ecstasy we had anyway). This was even more exasperating! They didn’t believe the truth anymore than the lie! Lol!

One day my boyfriend called me and said he missed two belt loops and started accusing me of cheating. Geeezam Peeez, I almost rolled off my bed in laughter! Come on, if it was as simple as that we’d all be undone. We have all sorts of stupid symbolism that goes with cheating and to be blunt, they don’t have one rass to do with cheating. But never tell a Jamaican that! They say if you miss a belt loop when putting on your belt, you’re getting bun. Miss two and it’s a proper bun, etc. My boyfriends miss belt loops when I’m behaving like a nun in church; a real fucking Mother Teresa, so scrap that!

Most of us just become paranoid when we cheat. You start to think the other person must be doing it too. I mean, if it’s so easy for me, shouldn’t it be even easier for him? Pum pum in Jamaica has become so common and readily available that nowadays I just tell my boobee to let me choose the girl he’s gonna cheat with, buy him two pack of Magnums and tell him to make mama proud…hahaha! Mind you, if I ever decide to cheat again, I’d never give him the same courtesy still (but shhh, don’t tell him that). Whatever the case may be, bun is a rite of passage. If you don’t give it, you’re gonna get it anyway soooo my advice is to take it with a smile and give it back with an excited wink and a grin. It’s inevitable so you choose if you want it to leave a bitter taste in your mouth or eat it with some cheese and butter—then wash it down with some some of Grandma’s lemonade. And If you ever miss a belt loop again just sing at the top of your lungs, “man a gi bun and a get back some… anuh nut’n dat, call it bun fi bun!” Like I said, it’s the real gift that keeps on giving, so hurry up and give that special someone a bun today!

Until next time…pum pum power rooooocks!