The Punany Monologues: Natalie Storm Reclaims Her Virginity

Words by Natalie Storm, Photos by Martei Korley—

It’s been a while since we’ve heard from our resident pumpum-ologist Natalie Storm but trust us, it was worth the wait. Natalie’s latest Punany Monologue tackles a topic we’re sure many of our female readers can relate to: the disappointment and discomfort that often goes along with the loss of one’s virginity. Natalie has a solution for ladies looking to reclaim that lost flower: send your vagina on leave. Read on to see exactly what Natalie means and catch up on all of her punanilogues here.

There has been much speculation in recent times about regaining a particular flower that has been lost to many of us. This particularly priceless work of art is one of nature’s most cherished gifts to women, so I can completely understand the obsession with such a treasure. But how does one regain such a lost flower and, technically, since it was never lost but given away, why would anyone think they deserved a do over?

The de-flowering of many young girls was once an age old sport among rakes of the ton. A “ruined” woman had no hopes of securing a successful marriage since a man would not even look at her as “wife material” if she wasn’t cut from virgin wool or cotton. Hanging on to one’s virginity was a do-or-die situation when the future of family, title, and position depended on it. But with the change in conservatism and the advent of TV—and some would say, Madonna—sex has become the sport of choice in today’s modern world. A woman’s final decision in choosing a husband almost always comes down to how good he is in the sack (well that and money of course).

In these past couple months, I’ve spent my time trying to answer a question that has been plaguing my mind for some time… Are there any virgins left out there? After months of research, I haven’t been able to encounter a single virgin well into puberty’s prime. I’m not saying they aren’t out there but they are as rare as finding a leprechaun and a pot of gold at the end of a Jamaican rainbow.

I lost my virginity at the age of 17 and that was after saving it so a particular boy in my neighborhood could have his way with me. Unfortunately, he moved away so I gave all that scrumptious yum yum to my boyfriend at the time, who I really did not want to give it to (what can I say, it just happened). This is the part of my story where people usually think I’m a slut but sluts have fun and I most certainly did not. I must say my first time was the worst sexual experience I’ve had to date.

My first thought after having sex for the first time was: “that’s it?!” I couldn’t believe that this painful, unpleasant, sweaty act was what all that moaning was about when I used to eavesdrop on my babysitter. I was mortified and wished myself out of the nightmare I’d gardened myself into. How could all those Mills & Boon and Harlequin Romance books be so way off?! I wanted to sue Danielle Steel for all her misleading steamy love scenes. After meeting the right tutor, I began to enjoy sex and learned a lot about my body but I always regretted my first time. I wished that my neighborhood bad boy hadn’t moved away so it could have been with him—but we only have it to give away once.

In years to come, I stumbled upon a very fulfilling way to regain the experience of my first time. I had a bad break up a couple of years ago that made me swear off men completely (at this point, I became so friendly with my hands, rubber bullets and latex men that if you asked me anything about solo sex I could give you a whole history, like an all-knowing wikipedia). I didn’t have sex for a whole year, and I devoted myself to reading my Bible and finding spiritual enlightenment, while my vagina suffocated from closing up again. At the end of the year, I met a man and thought, this is the one I should lose my virginity with for the second time. Unfortunately, he wasn’t in JA when I wanted to “do it” so I ended up giving it to another man but this time it was my best mistake. I never knew there could be so much pleasure in one sinful act and it was soooooo good. I didn’t have any anxiety and all my fears were lying where my clothes fell. This was all about flesh devouring flesh and man, did I enjoy it!

I recommend reclaiming one’s virginity to all women. Do it at least once in your life. Take a year off sex… send your vagina on leave. The benefit of not having sex for a whole year is: you’ll fall in love with your own body, and that will make you picky about your choice in men. After all, who would want to make the same mistake twice?! Take time to play with yourself and know what you like so when you’re ready for that flower to be plucked again, you won’t ever make the mistakes you did that first time. Since my discovery, I’ve lost my virginity about five times—and each time was better than the last.

Please note: you can’t physically reclaim your virginity since you can never re-grow a hymen… It’s all in the mind. Psychologically, you can pretend it did and you can do it many, many times until you find the one that should have been your first. Try it. I can guarantee you have nothing to lose.

Until next time my punany lovers…pum pum power rocks!