The Punany Monologues: Natalie Storm On Dirty Talk

Words by Natalie Storm—

Who’s your daddy?

We’ve all heard the line: who’s your daddy? Although this line may work in the movies, check your reaction to it while sitting in a theatre, eating popcorn with your girl beside you sucking on a lollipop. If I know anything about women (which I do), she’s gonna be laughing her ass off and choke on that lollipop. So why do men think it’s somehow sexy to say those words in real life during sex? Please don’t get upset if I laugh my ass off then, or say my father’s name and kill your erection.

The art of dirty talk is a skill that has to be acquired. You can’t just say anything in bed and think that because the sex is so great, she’s not gonna start giggling like a hyena. If you’re gonna talk dirty, please mull it over in your head before letting those words pass your lips. That’s not the lasting impression you’ll wanna leave her with. I love dirty talk but not everyone knows how to make it seamless and fluid. It takes practice.

Another thing I find extremely unappealing during sex is men who think they’re at a rodeo. There’s really no reason to have your hands flailing in the air while doing it doggy style. Your whole body should be connected to the woman you’re satisfying. You may be wondering, “which fool is Natalie Storm having sex with?” Don’t worry, I sometimes wonder that myself but unlike some women who think men should come prepackaged, I love a little roughness around the edges. It gives me room to mold him from a bull to a sexual connoisseur.

The basic element of good dirty talk is to make it smooth. It’s like mixing a cake batter and getting all the lumps out. At no point in time should you ever ask a girl who her daddy is. If you’re gonna do that it’s best to make it a statement. Tell her what daddy’s gonna do to her. I’m pretty sure that won’t make her giggle. Never refer to your penis as a dick. I’ve known a Dick and trust me, you don’t ever want to say the word dick during sex. Always, always, always talk about your penis in the context of an impressive rooster. Cock. Yes, cock! C-O-C-K (I just love saying it)! We like the sound of that. That way she’s gonna think about food and if that’s your end game you’ll have her full in no time. Never call your penis a penis. This may be the correct scientific name for your male reproductive part but we already did Biology 101. No need for extra lessons. Other no-nos are wiener, thingy, jack black and the scorpion king.

Though it may be good to ask questions during sex, it’s best to provide answers. We already have questions of our own. We always worry if you’re gonna be any good. Never ask a woman if she’s enjoying it. That only makes you seem insecure. The only question you should ask is, if she’s ok and, if you’re brave, you can also ask her how she’d like her cock tonight. Any other questions and we can’t help you. We expect you to be omnipotent when it comes to our bodies and we most certainly don’t wanna stop in the midst of our arousal to give you pointers.

One mistake that many men make is to ask the girl they’re creeping with if her man does it as good. Hmmm…though this may flatter your ego, you really don’t want her thinking about her man, or her ex-man. Asking a girl about her past, current or future lovers while your cock is deep inside her will only remind her of how good he was, is or will be compared to you. That’s not dirty talk at all, that’s just plain stupid! Don’t ever have your girl’s mind wandering to potentially more fulfilling pleasures.

All these rules apply to women, too. I know there are a lot of female bedroom bullies who are well acquainted with those rodeo hands. And I’ve heard of stories from my male friends where of women asking who’s your momma? It kills me everytime. I’d never want my man to be thinking about his mama while we’re having sex. For want of a better expression: eeeewwww!

I hate when women refer to their vagina as pum pum or vagina in bed. In your day to day life you can be as proper as you want to pretend to be but just remember that once that cock is out, it’s time to put away the glasses, take off your stockings and start referring to your lady parts by saying these words: “it’s all your pussy, baby.” He knows you’re lying but it’ll drive him crazy anyway.

That’s dirty talk 101. Simple and to the point…no questions, just answers. Remember, cock not dick. Pussy not vagina. Daddy’s gonna take care of you, not who’s your daddy. And finally, be the focal point…leave the Mamas and the Papas in the 60’s where they belong.

PS: Sadistic minds would like to advise that if you’re unsure of what to say just stick to “yuh pum pum tun up”! That’s a better joke than “who’s your daddy”.

Until Next time…Pum pum power rocks!